Simona had a whispy sexy voice that men would go crazy for. She was also one of my best friends and back then, we often stayed up all night talking over coffee at her home which was just a few blocks away from my apartment.
Sometimes, I would be at her home till two or three in the morning and I still remember her mother popping her head in the kitchen and saying. "You two are still up!"
My friend was very wise and I often sought counsel from her. When asking for her opinion especially about men, she would push aside her long bangs, squint her eyes, and say, "C'e qualcosa che non va" which basically meant "Something just doesn't feel right."
In the end, she was always correct. So when I wanted to start dating this guy named Mirko, I remember her words: "mmmm...c'e qualcosa che non va." And sure enough, the guy who I liked so much wasn't as kind-hearted as I thought he was, and well.... turned out to be "interesting" and wanted me to do "interesting things."
I often thought about that situation. Not really about Mirko but more about why I had been so clueless in seeing for myself that "qualcosa non va."
Even though he seemed charming and nice, I knew deep inside, even before my friend mentioned anything, that something was off; and yet for some reason, I did not heed to my own intuitive feelings of hesitation.
For a long time and sometimes even now, I seek counsel from other people. Of course, it is something many of us do. For example, in my own business, I give people counsel while I myself seek the advice of others. It is helpful especially asking for others' advice or expertise especially when it involves financial, medical, or real estate matters if you yourself are not versed in these.
Asking others and getting their feedback is fine but what happens if you need advice on "everything."
Then you may find yourself constantly feeling unsure of yourself and your decisions and ultimately... you may even become frozen and immobile unless you have someone there to direct you. Soon a dependency on other peoples' opinion may form...and then worse case scenario: what happens if that person may or not have your best interest.
I feel there may be a lack of self-confidence and awareness (as was in my case) that may need to be addressed, a lack or disconnect with your own inner guide and compass that may have been created when you were a child.
If you find yourself asking others advice all the time, it may be a good time to examine your past and ask yourself where does this lack in self come from....was someone (perhaps even unknowingly) criticizing you whenever you tried something new or made a decision for yourself even though you were old or mature enough to do so.
The person may have said perhaps out of concern for you something to this effect..."Why would you think that. That's a dumb idea. You're not thinking....You should do it this way..."
This is not to criticize them but to give you insights into what may have happened in the past. In turn, you may have taken that criticism and created an inner dialogue that sounded something like...."I don't know better. I'm
not smart enough, I don't have enough experience..."
When you hear those critical words, you start believing in them even when you are a grown adult and then you start doubting yourself until one day, you cannot help but feel stuck...and are in a place where you can't make the simplest decisions and must ALWAYS seek advice.
For years, I suffered from this. I always asked others for advice and their stamp of approval. Not just for major events but for little ones. "Should I start a blog? Should I go into teaching? Should I start tennis lessons?"
I listen to self-help podcasts a lot not just for my own good but because I find them fascinating. Sometimes, you will literarily hear the same person call up on different shows with the same question, showing that not only do they doubt themselves but they doubt the advice of others....it is no wonder they feel confused and lost and stuck.
I too was like that and have a tendency to the same same. But these techniques have helped me and I hope they can help you too..
-Find the Root of your insecurities. Was it just something you developed or was the self-doubt unwillingly built up through the years.
-Tell yourself..it is ok to try things out....Of course be responsible and make sure it doesn't harm you or place in your financial distress but trust yourself. You may discover later on that choice wasn't the best one and in your best interest..but it is ok....
-Try to make small decisions and commend yourself when you do. When you decide to eat healthy, when you decide to treat yourself to a slice of cheesecake once in a while.... when you decide to buy a certain necklace that you have been saving for yourself....All these smaller decisions will build your confidence that you do know what is best for yourself....
Further, these smaller decisions will give you confidence to eventually tackle the bigger ones.....such as to decide to leave an unhealthy friendship, to decide to enroll in a dance class you have always wanted, to decide to write daily in your journal, to decide which doctor to go to.
-Seek counsel when you need to......Financial, medical, real estate, etc. Even then.... there is a choice on who to see....someone with a great track record for example.
-Trust yourself. Trust your higher power....Ask yourself is this decision for my highest good and the good of others? Will I suffer from making such a decision? Does this decision bring me joy?
It used to be so hard for me to listen to myself...to trust myself that I can protect myself and know what is best for myself...Though I do still ask others for counsel...I am much more secure and have acknowledged quite fiercely..... I am a grown woman and can decide for myself!